In a bold move to embrace the inevitable surveillance state, WhatsApp has unveiled a groundbreaking security feature dubbed ‘Paranoia Mode.’ Designed specifically for those who are important enough to be spied on but not savvy enough to avoid clicking sketchy links, this mode is set to revolutionize how we ignore red flags on the internet.

According to Meta’s latest press release — presumably written from a secure underground bunker — the new feature promises to protect users from ‘advanced cyber attacks’ by limiting their ability to use convenience as an excuse for carelessness. In a thrilling twist, the app will now come with an option to disable all suspicious activities, like opening messages or, you know, actually using WhatsApp.

This feature, inspired by Apple’s Lockdown Mode and Android’s Advanced Protection, is a nod to the pervasive threat of sophisticated spyware, which somehow still takes a back seat to the immediate dangers of forwarding chain messages. Users can finally feel secure as they trade off functionality in exchange for peace of mind, which some say is just another term for a glorified ‘Do Not Disturb’ setting.