In a series of breathtakingly innovative maneuvers, cybercriminals have found themselves stumped by the sheer complexity of retail customer service channels. Hackers, who once breezed through overprivileged admin roles like seasonal sales, are now reportedly disoriented by labyrinthine phone trees and patronizing hold music.

“We were sure we hacked into a retailer’s mainframe,” confessed one hacker, “only to find ourselves stuck trying to talk to a chatbot about return policies. This isn’t a sophisticated firewall, it’s a sophisticated headache!”

Rumor has it that some high-profile retailers, like Marks & Spencer and Victoria’s Secret, have started boasting about their security policies not in terms of data encryption, but in the sheer tedium and futility experienced by anyone attempting to navigate their online returns system.

While IT professionals debate the ethical implications of weaponizing customer service, one thing is clear: If retailers can’t keep you out with technical defenses, they’ll certainly exhaust you with human resources.