In a shocking development that might just undermine the central dogma of villainy, 85 ransomware and extortion groups are now competing for the coveted title of ‘Most Comically Disorganized Cybercrime Syndicate.’ The ransomware ecosystem has officially reached its highest level of fragmentation, surpassing even expert-level IKEA furniture assembly instructions in complexity.

The dedicated hackers have leaked data from 1,590 victims, proving that they can still cause mayhem even under intense law enforcement pressure. It’s comforting to know that while most people couldn’t get a group project organized in college, these cyber rogues are still showing up to ‘work’ despite the FBI breathing down their necks.

Meanwhile, LockBit has made a dramatic return, like a band reuniting for the umpteenth farewell tour no one asked for. A staggering 14 new ransomware brands have emerged this quarter, suggesting that the industry is more agile than a cat on a Roomba. Their resilience is truly inspiring; it’s almost as if they took the phrase ‘when life gives you lemons’ a bit too literally, and are now trying to ransom said lemons back to unsuspecting lemonade stand owners.