In a groundbreaking move that has left the world scratching its collective head, Microsoft announced that new users will now have ‘passwordless by default’ accounts. This thrilling advancement in cybersecurity ensures that users now have one less password to forget as they grapple with remembering any of the numerous passkeys, which Microsoft assures us are completely ‘foolproof’ — as in, they were designed without consulting actual fools.

Users signing up for new accounts will be presented with a list of passwordless options so innovative, they seem straight out of a sci-fi novel: facial recognition, fingerprint scanning, or simply whispering sweet nothings into their devices. Microsoft confidently declared that these methods are ‘phishing-resistant,’ which is tech jargon for ‘don’t blame us when you’re locked out.’

As fifteen billion imaginary new users dive into passwordless bliss, Microsoft executives Joy Chik and Vasu Jakkal invite all their existing customers to join this utopia of secure confusion, because who needs passwords anyway? They’re so 2020. The tech behemoth is clearly leading the charge into a brave new world, one where every locked device becomes a modern art piece as users squint into cameras and rub fingertips against sensors like tech-savvy fortune tellers. Welcome to the future, where forgetting your face could be the real identity theft!