REDMOND, WA — In a bold move that analysts are calling “emotionally intelligent cybersecurity,” Microsoft announced that Defender for Endpoint will now begin isolating devices it simply finds suspicious, even if there’s no technical evidence of wrongdoing.

“We’ve decided to take a more intuitive approach,” said Microsoft VP of Vibes and Threats, Clippy McThreatHunter. “If a device seems off—like if it’s been listening to Joe Rogan or keeps asking about torrenting Photoshop—we’re gonna quarantine that sucker.”

The new feature, dubbed “Attack Disruption,” will preemptively block potential lateral movement by isolating endpoints that might be the type of endpoint to click on an email with the subject line: “Is this you in the video???”

“We’re using AI to detect behavior patterns like randomly opening Excel at 3 a.m., attempting to connect to old printers, or typing powershell with too much confidence,” McThreatHunter added. “If your computer acts like it knows what it’s doing, that’s a red flag.”

Critics have raised concerns about false positives, noting that one pilot user reported being locked out of her device for Googling “how to disable Defender.” Microsoft responded by stating that “trying to turn off security is a classic sign of guilt.”

In addition to isolating machines, Defender may begin isolating users as well. If behavior patterns suggest a user is likely to become a threat in the future—such as forwarding too many memes on Teams—they will be automatically assigned to a virtual desktop that can only access Bing and Minesweeper.

IT departments nationwide are split. Some praise the proactive stance. “Finally, an algorithm that punishes people for being sketchy,” said one sysadmin. Others worry it could go too far. “My entire finance department just got quarantined for opening an attachment called ‘Quarterly_Results_REAL_FINALv7.xlsm,’” said a concerned CIO.

Microsoft assured customers that more features are coming, including “Just Vibe Check,” where Defender shuts down endpoints that feel “off” without telling anyone why.