In a groundbreaking revelation that left no one surprised, it turns out that the Kenyan authorities have mastered the mystical art of turning phones into confession booths. With the help of Cellebrite’s magical incantations, they managed to squeeze secrets out of a dissident’s phone that it reportedly didn’t even know it had.

Sources say that the police, previously busy mastering the nuances of dial-up internet, are now taking a crash course in ‘Advanced Digital Snooping 101’ from their Israeli friends. The course promises to turn even the most technophobic officer into a tech-savvy detective with a penchant for privacy invasion that would even make Orwell blush.

Citizen Lab’s recent findings only confirm the growing trend: nothing spells ‘democracy’ like leveraging state-of-the-art technology to remind activists that Big Brother is not only watching but has also learned to send emojis. Heaven forbid they find the dissident’s secret collection of cute cat videos. One can only hope the police know not to trust everything they read on the internet—or in someone else’s text messages.