In a glorious revelation, Gartner® has unfurled a new acronym that promises to revolutionize the cybersecurity world—or at least add an additional layer of befuddlement. The Exposure Assessment Platforms, known by the catchy abbreviation EAP, arrive at a time when traditional Vulnerability Management (VM) strategies have apparently become as trendy as rotary phones.

The announcement was met with rapturous applause from IT departments everywhere, as they realized the introduction of yet another term would blissfully expand their already overflowing to-do lists. Despite the industry’s best efforts to invent solutions faster than problems, EAP has been introduced with the same vigor one applies to a new flavor of potato chips nobody asked for.

Analysts say the move is a formal admission that the cybersecurity field is no longer about securing systems as much as it is about securing funding for the latest buzzword. Now, industry professionals can spend their days attending webinars and memorizing new terms while actual security remains an ethereal dream, much like the unicorn that is an email without a typo.