In what can only be described as a groundbreaking moment in digital security theater, Iranian-linked hackers have benevolently enlightened the world with the intimate details of FBI Director Kash Patel’s personal email account. Experts predict the industrial espionage industry will now turn its full attention to safeguarding heavily-guarded state secrets such as the password to Patel’s Netflix account.

The so-called Handala Hack Team boldly stepped forward, proudly declaring that Patel’s name will now shine brightly on their list of illustrious breach victims. Rumor has it, the hackers were somewhat disappointed not to have found any scandalous tea, but instead stumbled upon Patel’s grandmother’s famous onion ring recipe. Sources say the recipe is now trending worldwide among post-apocalyptic gourmet chefs.

As news spread like wildfire, no doubt bringing chills and thrills to the cybersecurity world, Stryker Industries experienced a minor setback. A wiper attack allegedly vaporized their data, sending their IT team into an existential crisis as they tried to recall when the last backup was. In the aftermath, Stryker’s CEO has reportedly requested assistance from the nearest time traveler.