In a stunning display of technological prowess, Iranian hackers have managed to maintain access to Middle East critical infrastructure for two years, all thanks to the magic of expired VPN trials and malware that’s as stubborn as a telemarketer at dinner time.

The hackers, evidently fueled by a complex blend of curiosity and an overstock of midnight snacks, undertook what some experts are calling ‘Espionage-a-palooza 2023-2025’. This involved sneaking around digital backdoor ramps like they were looking for a refrigerator light that never turns off.

While the rest of the world fumbles with their hundred-dollar-a-month security subscriptions, Iran seemingly discovered an undisclosed ‘buy none, get everything’ deal that allows for unlimited access to sensitive data and infrastructure control, because why pay for VPNs when you can just borrow them indefinitely?

As Middle Eastern authorities reassess their network defenses—which apparently were built similar to the concept of attaching a sticky note with the word ‘secure’ to a vault door—insiders speculate if the real cyber threat is just an elaborate plan to make everyone finally read those tedious ‘Terms and Conditions’.