In a bold move reminiscent of a dystopian novel no one asked for, India’s telecommunications ministry has initiated a new program that combines the best of cybersecurity and helicopter parenting. Gone are the days when users had the luxury of choosing which apps clutter up their precious phone storage. Instead, citizens will now enjoy the unsolicited company of Sanchar Saathi, an app packed with enough cybersecurity features to make even your grandma question her WhatsApp forwards.

This new government-backed app comes with an impressive selling point: it’s immune to your deletion attempts and seemingly possesses the persistence of a clingy ex. While some naysayers might label it as ‘bloatware’, fans of ever-expanding digital landscapes will appreciate this step towards an unavoidable app utopia.

According to the ministry, Sanchar Saathi is a panacea for telecom fraud, because nothing deters scammers like unremovable apps and the comforting glow of bureaucratic oversight. Users can rest easy knowing the government is as committed to living rent-free on your phone as your favorite social media platforms. Privacy advocates, who are perpetually stuck in a time loop of concern, are predictably dismayed, but isn’t that their default setting?