In an unprecedented move, cybersecurity experts have identified reading privacy policies as a serious new threat to both their time and sanity. Analysts indicate that even for those who manage to tackle the Kafkaesque avalanche of text, the effort expended far outweighs the rewards, which one industry insider described as ‘that moment when you realize you’ve spent 45 minutes learning how they’ll ignore your right to opt-out.’

Commenting on the discovery, a leading cybersecurity firm stated, ‘The potential for eye strain is simply dangerous, and don’t get us started on the mental health impact of emoji-laden clauses.’ Immediate recommendations include uninstalling apps you once loved and reverting to carrier pigeons for private communications.

Meanwhile, app developers everywhere have responded with a shrug, assuring that their privacy policies remain meticulously vague. ‘We’re proud of the fact that even we don’t fully understand our own policy,’ a major tech CEO admitted. ‘The real challenge is keeping it ambiguous enough that no one dares question us.’