In a groundbreaking revelation, cybercriminals have announced a customer service hotline to assist befuddled businesses in unlocking their data after a ransomware attack. Inspired by those tech support calls you’re forced to endure when the printer won’t connect to Wi-Fi, these criminals are redefining customer satisfaction with interactive voice response systems and hold music from the 90s.

“We realized that stealing data was only half the battle,” confessed an anonymous hacker known as ‘Sir Clicks-a-Lot’. “Why not help our valued clients navigate the frustrating process of paying us? We are simply responding to our clients’ feedback. They wanted a human-touch experience in the otherwise robotic world of data theft,” he added while tinkering with a DOS-based phone automation system.

As businesses adapt to this new threat landscape, IT departments everywhere are hastily investing in ‘Patience Training’ workshops to prepare for the eventual hours of soothing reassurance they’ll need after falling victim. Reports even suggest some SMBs have begun hiring negotiators from late-night infomercials to handle ransom deals. After all, why not bring a little friendly haggling to cybercrime?