Law enforcement agencies worldwide are taking a bold new approach to cybercrime: hoping if they catch enough hackers, they might actually understand what a ‘blockchain’ is. In a desperate bid to appear tech-savvy, officers have started swapping their handcuffs for HDMI cables and their patrol cars for Raspberry Pis. Because nothing screams ‘We’re in control’ like throwing random tech jargon into police reports.

The latest strategy in this high-stakes game of digital cat and mouse involves teaching officers the difference between a VPN and a sandwich. Training is reportedly going well, with one officer noting, ‘I thought phishing was just scammers on boats. Turns out it’s emails. Who knew?’ This lack of awareness might explain why several arrests have included people simply holding laptops in public spaces.

Meanwhile, cybercriminals continue to diversify and innovate much to the chagrin of bewildered constables. In response to this, law enforcement has decided to fight fire with fire… or rather, fire with bewilderment. Their new plan? Hope the hackers are equally confused by contracts that don’t include ‘unlimited data’. It’s a digital arms race built on a foundation of bewilderment and outdated software licenses.