In a seemingly heartwarming story of loyalty and misplaced priorities, Coinbase agents abroad have apparently resisted a $20 million extortion attempt, not by turning it down, but by getting caught. It turns out the value of selling out wasn’t quite enough to buy them a yacht, but maybe just a slightly fancier desk chair.

According to sources with access to a very secure water cooler, criminals seduced these agents with the irresistible allure of cash. We’re guessing they offered a sum that, after taxes, could barely afford a decent San Francisco apartment—an amateur mistake by professional extortionists.

Coinbase, showing the same level of security awareness as a teenager with a sticky note of passwords on their computer, managed to leak data of 1% of its users. The remaining 99% are reportedly holding strong, possibly because the hackers ran out of time before their lunch break.

In their official statement, Coinbase expressed shock, but not at the breach, rather at the lowball offer that apparently bribed their agents. It’s a relief to know that despite inflation, bribery budgets remain admirably stagnant.