In a bold entrepreneurial venture that would make even the late Steve Jobs envious, a band of rogue digital disruptors has emerged from the ruins of the BlackSuit gang. Meet Chaos RaaS, because who doesn’t appreciate a side of anarchy with their ransomware? For the modest fee of $300,000, their victims can enjoy the nostalgic thrill of having their data held hostage, reminiscent of the good old dial-up internet days.

Market analysts are baffled and intrigued by Chaos RaaS’s pricing structure. Experts speculate that they may be including premium ransomware features like double extortion and complimentary lessons on National Security Agency evasion strategies. After all, if you’re not living on the edge, are you really even hacking?

In what can only be described as a modern digital twist on Robin Hood, the Chaos collective is rumored to redistribute their wealth, largely funding artisanal coffee shops and tearooms in the dark web’s bohemian district. Let’s just hope their victims are compensated with an award-winning latte while they scramble to untangle their encrypted files.