In a surprising twist that absolutely no one saw coming, an enterprising group of cyber spies, dubbed TGR-STA-1030, has managed to crash around 70 government and critical infrastructure entities like a bull in a china shop—except this time, the shop is actually the entire global internet landscape.

While other hacking collectives are busy arguing over whether pineapple belongs on pizza, TGR-STA-1030 is busy making itself the Amazon Prime of cyber espionage, offering next-day delivery on stolen data. Their recent hack-of-the-month subscription service seems to be gaining traction among those eager to trade up their digital privacy for a sense of impending doom.

This particular group reportedly hails from an undisclosed location in Asia, a place known for its polite citizens and equally polite hackers, who always ensure a thank-you note is left in the server they’ve compromised. Meanwhile, governments worldwide are scrambling to patch their digital defenses, lest they find TGR-STA-1030 has moonlighted as their IT department. With such prowess, one can only assume future meetings will involve TGR-STA-1030’s negotiation table, because who needs allies when you’ve got all their state secrets anyway?