In a dramatic twist that has left Linux enthusiasts questioning their life choices, the omnipotent Sudo command-line utility has reportedly been struck by vulnerabilities that allow local users to ascend to the prestigious realm of root access. Rumor has it that upon exploiting these vulnerabilities, your regular office cat can now commandeer the entire network — because why should humans have all the fun?

Security experts, who previously assured us of the infallibility of sudoers files, are now huddled in their basements, frantically deleting their Reddit comments about how ‘Linux is the most secure OS.’ Meanwhile, the ghosts of Unix creators can be heard faintly chuckling from their resting places, whispering, ‘We told you so.’

In related news, major Linux distributions have been spotted issuing patches faster than a caffeinated squirrel sewing a quilt. Meanwhile, IT departments worldwide are preparing for the ultimate showdown with local users demanding root for a day — just to feel powerful or install a game of Solitaire without calling the help desk.

As the dust settles, it’s become glaringly apparent that Sudo, once lauded as the crown jewel of command-line utilities, is more like the Trojan horse of our times. In the wake of these revelations, insiders predict a sharp rise in Unix command-line apps promising zero vulnerability and zero functionality.