In a move that has tech-savvy hermits everywhere quaking in their digital boots, the U.S. government has decided that the best way to maintain national security is to ensure students and tourists air their social antics like laundry-day breech cloths. Forget about meticulously crafting those privacy settings. It’s 2023, and apparently, the key to identifying potential threats is rooted in how many likes your avocado toast photo receives.
The new rule, straight from the bureaucratic minds who brought you the joys of airport security lines, suggests that nothing screams ‘I love America’ more than a public post about the latest celebrity scandal. The consulate assures us this is purely for ‘verification’—because surely, any would-be infiltrator would leave a trail of villainous selfies scattered across the barren wasteland of the internet.
Of course, data-mining multi-billion dollar tech companies are only slightly miffed. They were saving those ultra-private posts for their next algorithm update. But fear not, dear applicant: your followers are now honorary members of Homeland Security, monitoring your every humblebrag.
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