In an unprecedented move described as ‘bold,’ ‘risky,’ and ‘has he lost his mind?’ Jason Elrod, CISO of MultiCare Health System, unveiled his revolutionary plan to transform healthcare cybersecurity from the cold, unyielding ‘Department of No’ to a more welcoming ‘Culture of Definitely Maybe.’ Elrod candidly admits, ‘We’ve been so busy shouting ‘No’ like toddlers who won’t share toys, that we forgot how to say ‘Yes, but don’t blame us when this all goes south.’

The strategy, inspired by the radical philosophy of ‘Sure, why not?’, involves ditching traditional security protocols in favor of a more laid-back approach. Instead of impassable firewalls and encryption, Elrod suggests more relatable security measures such as ‘passwords that are at least three emojis long’ and ‘VPNs with a fun user interface.’ After all, he assures, a relaxed posture is the best defense against cyberattacks—because hackers will be too confused by the nonchalant defenses to know what to do next.

Critics are quick to point out potential flaws, but Elrod is undeterred. ‘In the healthcare IT world, we’re accustomed to chaos. If ancient systems patched together with digital duct tape can hold up, so can a little optimism,’ he insists, as he mulls over adding a ‘Come at me, bro!’ option to user access requests. Meanwhile, hospitals worldwide eagerly await the first results of this groundbreaking, or potentially ground-disappearing, security overhaul.