Step aside, eHarmony and CoinBase! The Xinbi Telegram Market has redefined ‘match made in heaven’ by merging crypto crimes, romance scams, and North Korean laundry services all under one digital roof. What’s more heartwarming than confessing your love over laundered Bitcoins?

According to blockchain watchdogs, Xinbi has successfully romanticized a whopping $8.4 billion in transactions. Who knew love in the time of blockchain meant buying illicit software while declaring eternal devotion to that mysterious someone behind a keyboard in Pyongyang?

Forget Amazon! Xinbi merchants offer a one-stop-shop experience for tech gadgets, personal data, and even a complimentary get-out-of-sanctions-free card. It’s like the dark web’s answer to QVC, with a side of geopolitical intrigue.