In a groundbreaking revelation that could only have been predicted by every cybersecurity expert since the dawn of the internet, the Solana-based decentralized exchange, Drift, has humorously confirmed the theft of $285 million. The attack, described as a ‘durable nonce social engineering attack,’ has left the crypto community in awe at the sheer novelty of someone tricking them into handing over the keys to the vault.

Apparently, the cunning hackers from DPRK managed to achieve this feat using the latest in retro villainy: phish-mails complete with flashing Comic Sans and offers of free Amazon gift cards. According to sources, Drift’s security team had been busy investigating more futuristic-sounding threats like quantum blockchain disruptors, while the hackers just had to pick up the phone and say, ‘Hi, we’re from tech support.’

In a public address laced with vintage 90s internet denial, Drift’s spokesperson assured users that they were conducting a thorough investigation into how the hackers managed to get past the revolutionary security measure known as ‘not giving out your password.’ Meanwhile, cybersecurity experts worldwide have expressed both exasperation and admiration at the thieves’ commitment to keep things old-school in our AI-driven world.