In a groundbreaking effort to keep America safe—by ensuring everyone’s Netflix buffers at the climax of every episode—the FCC has announced an innovative plan to ban all new, foreign-made routers. After all, nothing screams national security like a router with a suspiciously foreign accent.

FCC Chairman Brendan Carr, fresh off his mission to protect Americans from the risks of advanced internet connectivity, declared the importation of alien routers illegal. According to Carr, these gadgets might secretly work for foreign powers, slowly destabilizing our nation one dropped Wi-Fi signal at a time. It’s rumored that in their spare time, these routers gather to plot world domination, right after downloading the latest Windows update.

The decision, hailed as a landmark in the field of cybersecurity by people who have never actually used the internet, promises to protect the communication networks that Americans rely on. Because nothing says ‘secure’ quite like maintaining a strategic reserve of technology from 2005, right? We may not be able to stream the latest episode of our favorite series, but at least we’ll know our routers aren’t undercover agents.