In an unprecedented move, Gartner has released its first-ever Market Guide for Guardian Agents, a category so niche that even the experts are struggling to say what these agents do, aside from looking busy and important.

According to Gartner, the Market Guide was designed to help companies navigate this chaotic new field, where market definitions are as clear as politician promises. The guide has already received rave reviews from nobody, given it reads like an Ikea manual written in ancient Greek.

For those unfamiliar with Gartner’s endless report buffet, a Market Guide supposedly outlines what clients can expect from a market in the short term. However, it seems the only short-term outcome here is everyone continuing to pretend they know what Guardian Agents actually guard, aside from the status quo.