In a groundbreaking operation that likely caused a brief spike in vitamin D deficiencies among global cybercriminals, INTERPOL announced its dismantling of 45,000 malicious IP addresses and servers. These digital public enemies were allegedly involved in phishing, malware, and ransomware campaigns, giving every IT department on the planet a much-needed respite.

The operation, which was coordinated across 72 countries and territories, aimed to remind hackers that their actions have consequences, preferably those that involve a pair of handcuffs. Unfortunately, the announcement also led to a surge in online searches for ‘alternative careers for retired hackers,’ as the 94 arrested individuals are now realizing that a life of crime offers no health benefits and minimal opportunities for professional growth.

The success of this operation has left cybercriminals questioning their life choices, with many considering transitioning into community-supported and ethics-compliant careers such as baking pies and knitting sweaters. Meanwhile, Internet service providers are reportedly celebrating, as they can now reassign their previously blacklisted IPs to tech-savvy grandmothers or Bitcoin enthusiasts looking for stable connections.