In a groundbreaking, some might say awe-inspiring, display of innovation, threat actors have finally achieved what every cybersecurity professional has secretly feared: they’ve moved their operations from the back alleys of the internet into the mystical realms of InterPlanetary File System (IPFS). While most people still struggle to understand what the cloud really is, these cyber-geniuses have mastered riding digital chariots straight from the future.

As if conjured by a particularly creative conspiracy theorist, the DEAD#VAX campaign ingeniously delivers AsyncRAT, a remote access trojan threatening to be more annoying than the infamous Vuvuzela of 2010. This attack is so sophisticated, rumor has it even the Terminator opts for cheaper, more traditional means of digital mayhem, like accidentally clicking on obvious phishing links.

Some experts argue that by utilizing IPFS-hosted VHD files, these ne’er-do-wells are essentially building something akin to a Trojan horse from IKEA — complex to assemble, challenging to pronounce, and yet surprisingly effective at sneaking past your average firewall while you squint at the instructions. Meanwhile, advocates for a return to typewriters and fax machines reminisce about the simpler life of cyber-insecurity.