In a shocking turn of events, your trusted cybersecurity software has decided to pursue a career in the vastly more rewarding field of freelance modeling. Experts suggest that antivirus software everywhere is hanging up its hat, largely due to the impossibly low wages of catching malware in a world where AI errors create more copycats than TikTok challenges.

Security pundits are baffled, noting that the latest ‘self-discovery’ trend among firewalls and antiviruses has effectively left users relying on old DVDs of Die Hard 4 for cyber protection advice. Meanwhile, corporate leaders are struggling to comprehend a world where the greatest threat to data integrity is no longer a nefarious hacker but rather an ex-firewall strutting down the runway in Milan.

‘Patched’ software, once the gold standard of a job well done in cybersecurity, has also been outed as a total fraud, akin to a participation trophy in a high school chess match. Informants reveal that ‘patched’ is now nothing more than a code word for, ‘I give up, good luck.’ Stay tuned for more updates from the frontlines of security negligence.