In a bold demonstration of hidden genius, smart toasters across the globe have banded together, proving more adept at online security than their human owners. These breakfast masterminds have not only secured their firmware but have also managed to encrypt every slice of toast for maximum privacy.

Meanwhile, a wave of outrage has erupted as wallet breaches became as common as folding laundry, yet infinitely more exciting. Cybersecurity experts have suggested that perhaps humans should consider storing their cryptographic keys in the kitchen drawer next to the spoons, since, apparently, that’s where the real security experts live.

Elsewhere, rogue browser extensions, once thought to be harmless, have rebranded themselves as ‘AI personal assistants’ and begun offering unsolicited life advice, much to the annoyance of users who downloaded them only for discounts on cat memes.

As AI abuse continues to rise, we find ourselves in a strange world where asking your toaster how to achieve world peace yields more coherent answers than consulting social media. Experts suggest surrendering and letting the appliances run the show. It was their plan all along.

Overall, the steady abuse of trust continues to bemuse even the most cynical of observers, leading some to conclude that the only way forward is to trust no one—except maybe your toaster, which ironically saves data more securely than an average human’s thought process.