In a shocking turn of events that has left the underworld in tears, RansomHub, the esteemed darling of ransomware service providers, mysteriously went offline on April 1, leaving its affiliates more panicked than a millennial without Wi-Fi.

Before you dismiss this as a dated April Fool’s joke, consider the plight of the thrifty cybercriminal affiliates who suddenly find themselves with all the existential dread of a teenager without TikTok—searching for meaning and a way to pay for their avocado toast.

Amidst the chaos, DragonForce, a group apparently named after a 2000s power metal band, boldly declared itself the new digital overlord while affiliates scurried to Qilin’s digital embrace like boomers to Facebook. Their data leak site now boasts more disclosures than your average reality TV show, proving once again that even criminals need a backup plan in the digital age.