In a valiant effort to rehabilitate the notoriously misunderstood dark web, Google has announced it will gracefully retreat from its oversight duties in February 2026. With their dark web report tool, which valiantly tried to blow the whistle on shady dealings and personal data breaches, now set to vanish, Google seems to believe that ignorance truly is bliss.

The tech giant, known for its outstanding commitment to user safety (when not profiting from ads), claims that their withdrawal is a gesture of goodwill towards the dark web community. “It didn’t feel right snitching on them like that,” a spokesperson might have said, “so we’re just going to wash our hands of the whole thing.”

The news comes as a relief to all the fictional individuals whose privacy was hypothetically compromised. Dark web citizens, rumored to welcome the change, are reportedly planning an anonymous parade to celebrate the news. Their motto? “What Google doesn’t know can’t hurt us.”