In a groundbreaking development, the latest PCIe 5.0 specification has succeeded in doubling the speed at which data breaches can occur, all thanks to the innovative exploitation of not one, but three newly identified encryption vulnerabilities.

Sources within the PCI Special Interest Group (SIG) celebrated their unintentional contribution to the cybersecurity community, stating, “We always aim to keep attackers on their toes, and with these fresh vulnerabilities, we’re also keeping them on their feet, legs, and possibly roller skates.” The vulnerabilities promise to make it easier than ever for local attackers to truly feel at home in your device.

In response to concerns, the PCIe IDE protocol team reassured users that their priorities remain unchanged. “We’re still committed to the IDEals of speed and efficiency over pesky details like security,” they declared, echoing sentiments last heard in the early 2000s. In the meantime, users are advised either to revert to abacuses or to enjoy the thrill of living life on the digital edge.