In a surprising twist this week, hackers have reportedly shown more consistency than your local ISP, according to software engineers who can’t believe they’re saying this with a straight face. While you were busy rebooting your router for the fourth time, cybercriminals were sneakily infiltrating your systems using fresh exploits that aren’t wrapped in red tape and long hold times.

Cisco, in an effort to bring families closer together through shared Wi-Fi rage, revealed yet another 0-day vulnerability that’s practically begging to be exploited. It’s almost as if they hired a team of bored teenagers named ‘infinite loophole’ to design their security.

Meanwhile, a new DDoS attack broke the internet (again) with the kind of traffic volume your online shopping cart dreams of. Experts advise you to keep your ‘sorry, our website is down’ page ready because it appears to be the new homepage anyway.

In ransomware land, the folks behind LockBit 5.0 announced their latest version just in time for the holiday season, promising faster encryptions and even snazzier demands. They’ve taken feedback about being too polite to heart and now include a gruff ‘pay up or else’ option.

Amid all these chaotic innovations, the launch of the ShadowV2 Botnet was largely met with an eye-roll from IT professionals who are already maintaining more shadow networks than they can count. At this rate, they’ll be declaring more botnets than actual bots in the system.