In its latest attempt to ensure that all clandestine activities conducted on their devices remain private, Apple announced a groundbreaking feature—Memory Integrity Enforcement (MIE). This stealthy fortress encases your overblown selfie collection and embarrassing text exchanges in a defensive cocoon, shielding them from even the most elite group of black hat hackers.

Despite Apple’s claims of ‘always-on memory safety protection,’ users may wonder if they’re the only ones kept out. After all, one man’s memory integrity is another corporation’s treasure trove of user data, ripe for squeezing.

In their magnanimous move, Apple assures us that performance won’t be compromised. Your device will run as smoothly as ever, even if ‘smoothly’ is more of a relative term when Siri can’t even comprehend ‘navigate home’ but might soon decipher your darkest secrets.