In a daring display of digital heroism, Cloudflare has once again donned its cape to vanquish the forces of teenage angst armed with the mightiest of botnet armies. With an attack the size of 11.5 terabits per second, these basement-dwelling warriors almost managed to break the internet, which is impressive considering they barely leave their computer chairs.

Cloudflare, apparently still receiving unending calls from panicked parents about ‘the Wi-Fi acting funny,’ managed to block the assault without breaking a sweat—despite some engineers reportedly shedding a single tear for what was once human civilization’s proudest technological achievement.

“We’re just glad to keep the internet running smoothly,” said a Cloudflare spokesperson, while manually resetting the company’s own router. “We know how important it is for people to continue binge-watching series about medieval dragons and sharing unsolicited opinions on social media without interruption.”