In a stunning display of cross-disciplinary talents, the HOOK Android Trojan has upped its game with what experts are calling the ‘Swiss Army Knife’ of malicious mobile capabilities. At a recent cyber show-and-tell, the trojan unveiled its 107 remote commands, leaving onlookers in awe and smartphone owners in existential dread.

‘We figured if we’re going to wreak havoc, why not do it with a touch of sophistication?’ said one of the developers, presumably speaking from a secret underground lair equipped with high-speed internet and a poster of their idol, Ransomware Rambo.

Among its new features, the star of the show was the ransomware-style overlay screen. ‘It’s like the red carpet treatment for your device, only instead of compliments, you get demands for money,’ quipped a cybersecurity expert who wished to remain anonymous to avoid drawing HOOK’s attention to their own phone.

Apparently, HOOK isn’t just about stealing your banking information anymore; it wants to make sure you’ve had a full customer experience, complete with coercion and extortion. ‘It’s not just malware; it’s malware with a personal touch,’ commented an impressed hacker, tipping his fedora in respect.