**Windows Task Scheduler Decrees “Privilege Escalation For All!” in Latest Update, Microsoft Promises It’s an “Empowerment Feature”**

REDMOND, WA—In a bold move to democratize computer access, Microsoft’s Windows Task Scheduler has generously bestowed the gift of privilege escalation upon its users, according to cybersecurity experts who cracked the code to this unexpected “feature.”

Dubbed the “Oprah Winfrey of Software Bugs” by industry insiders, the Task Scheduler update is reportedly handing out admin rights like candy on Halloween. “You get a system admin privilege! And you get a system admin privilege! Everybody gets system admin privileges!” echoed one bemused tech analyst.

Microsoft has spun this as a breakthrough in user empowerment. “In these unprecedented times, everyone deserves a shot at controlling their own destiny—and their computer,” said a Microsoft spokesperson. “We are all about inclusivity, and what better way than allowing every user to experience the joys of unexpected system administration?”

Meanwhile, IT departments worldwide are celebrating this newfound chaos. “Finally, we can spend less time babysitting permissions and more time explaining to Karen from accounting why her computer thinks it’s a toaster,” quipped an over-caffeinated sysadmin.

As users everywhere scramble to understand why their printers are suddenly self-aware, Windows assures its loyal fanbase that this is all part of their innovative approach to user engagement. “If you can’t beat the hackers, let’s face it, just join them,” the spokesperson added with a wink.

Stay tuned as Microsoft promises to roll out even more “empowerment features,” including a plan to rename all system files to “Potato” for the sake of simplicity.