**Google Heroically Saves the Internet by Single-Handedly Stopping 5.1 Billion Ads Promising to Make Us Richer, Thinner, and More Attractive to Our Cats**

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In an unprecedented move that’s sent ripples through the very fabric of the digital universe, Google has announced it valiantly thwarted 5.1 billion harmful ads, preventing users worldwide from discovering the secrets to overnight wealth, Insta-ready abs, and finally seducing their aloof feline companions.

In what can only be described as the digital equivalent of a superhero flex, Google also suspended a staggering 39.2 million advertiser accounts. Inside sources claim these were run by a shadowy syndicate of Nigerian princes, pyramid scheme enthusiasts, and your grandmother’s favorite chain-letter authors.

“We’re committed to keeping the internet a safe place for bland, soul-draining advertisements that merely suggest we purchase more home insurance,” said Google’s official Spokesperson, Jeff Phishin. “Our mission is to ensure you are bombarded only by ads that make you question your life choices in a non-harmful, corporate-friendly way.”

Critics argue that Google’s crusade against harmful ads may be a slight overreach, suggesting users should be free to learn how to earn $5,000 a week while working from their couch, or discover what local singles in their area are dying to meet them, provided they click through a sketchy landing page first.

However, Google remains steadfast, as their benevolent algorithms continue to scan the web for any sign of a rogue ad daring to promise happiness or a better credit score without crushing interest rates.

“Let’s face it, no ad should ever suggest that life could be more than existential dread interspersed with the occasional Amazon impulse buy,” Phishin concluded, before disappearing into a cloud of data analytics and moral superiority.