In a groundbreaking revelation that sent shivers through the corridors of law enforcement agencies worldwide, researchers have discovered that the TETRA communications protocol is about as secure as a paper mâché safe. Yes, the radio encryption, intended for top secret police banter and maybe the odd donut order, is now as vulnerable as your grandma’s Facebook password.

The vulnerabilities, affectionately named 2TETRA:2BURST because everything sounds cooler with a ‘2’ in it, were unveiled at Black Hat USA. Cybersecurity experts demonstrated how these flaws could turn encrypted law enforcement communications into a public podcast series featuring thrilling segments like ‘Cops Getting Coffee’ and ‘Is Anyone There?’

While some agencies are scrambling to unplug radios and revert to carrier pigeons, others have decided this might be the perfect time to implement the foolproof ‘just whisper’ strategy. In the meantime, hackers and cybersecurity aficionados alike are simply marvelling at the fact that TETRA’s ‘proprietary’ encryption protocol was actually pioneering a return to simpler times—when locks were purely decorative.