Russian Hackers Deliver Crushing Blow to Western Military Mission… With Flash Drive Full of Cat Videos

MOSCOW—In a stunning display of cyber warfare prowess, Russian state-backed hackers, known as Gamaredon or “Shuckworm,” have successfully infiltrated a highly classified Western military mission in Ukraine using a sophisticated attack vector: a USB drive loaded with adorable cat videos and a suspiciously named “files.lnk” file.

“We have achieved a significant strategic victory,” declared a spokesperson for the Russian Ministry of Defense, while petting a ginger tabby. “Our advanced cyber capabilities have once again proven superior, delivering a payload of pure, unadulterated feline cuteness directly into the heart of the enemy’s network.”

According to a report by Symantec, the attack, which began in February and continued through March, involved the deployment of an updated version of the GammaSteel info-stealing malware, cunningly disguised as a folder titled “Top Secret Kitten Compilation.”

“The enemy was completely unprepared for our tactics,” explained a Gamaredon operative, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They expected sophisticated zero-day exploits and complex encryption algorithms. Instead, we gave them fluffy kittens and a shortcut that, let’s be honest, everyone clicks.”

The initial infection, researchers believe, was achieved when a hapless Western military analyst plugged the USB drive into a computer, lured by the promise of heartwarming animal content. “He couldn’t resist,” a source within the Western military admitted, “He’s been going through a rough divorce, and needed a pick me up. Who could blame him?”

Once inside the system, the malware, hidden beneath layers of PowerShell scripts and obfuscated code, began exfiltrating sensitive military documents, including classified pizza delivery menus and top-secret cat meme compilations.

“We were particularly impressed by their use of legitimate services like Cloudflare and Tor,” commented a Symantec analyst. “It’s a bold move, using the same infrastructure that powers cat video streaming to steal military secrets.”

The Gamaredon hackers also showcased their innovative evasion techniques, modifying Windows Registry keys to hide folders and system files, ensuring that the compromised system remained oblivious to the ongoing data heist. “They even hid the traces of their malware inside the Windows Registry. It’s like they’re playing hide-and-seek with the operating system,” said a baffled cyber security expert.

The Western military mission, meanwhile, has issued a statement urging its personnel to “exercise caution when plugging in unidentified USB drives, especially those labeled ‘Cute Kittens 2025’.”

“We underestimated their tenacity,” admitted a high-ranking official. “Next time, we’re installing a mandatory ‘No Cats’ policy on all military computers.”

In related news, Russian intelligence has reportedly begun developing a new cyber weapon: a playlist of aggressively catchy Russian pop songs designed to drive enemy analysts insane.