In a not-so-shocking revelation, experts confirmed this week that the internet remains a charmingly chaotic mess of inadequate security protocols and blissful ignorance. The chosen method for showing this? Why, a series of charming backdoor attacks on CI/CD setups that nobody saw coming. Well, nobody except every previous hacker ever.

The FBI, in a stroke of genius that surprised absolutely nobody, decided purchasing location data was more efficient than applying for warrants. Who knew the Fourth Amendment had such a convenient loophole? It’s an innovative nod to the days of shopping, except instead of online deals, you get every citizen’s movement.

And just when you thought WhatsApp couldn’t innovate further, they’ve thrown a curveball by ditching phone numbers. Now, the chances of connecting with your long-lost kindergarten bestie rests on pure telepathy. Move over Zuckerberg, this is what we call progress.

Meanwhile, IoT devices that have long been the butt of cybersecurity jokes have finally decided to stop working altogether. A moment of silence for those sad, unused smart fridges. And if you’re not scared yet, don’t worry, new malware tricks are rolling out faster than your printer can jam at a crucial time.