In a shocking turn of events that has left stock clerks and loyalty cardholders alike quaking in their sensible shoes, the notorious hacker collective Scattered Spider has spun its sticky web over two of the UK’s beloved retail stalwarts, M&S and Co-op. Experts estimate the damage somewhere in the vicinity of $592 million, which coincidentally is enough to buy approximately one billion M&S luxury sandwiches. A tragedy, indeed.

The Cyber Monitoring Centre, a bastion of digital finger-wagging, has confirmed that this cyber caper was, in fact, a ‘single combined cyber event,’ which sounds much like a poorly-planned office party but with less cake and more data breaches. While many would assume a criminal mastermind behind such acts, rumors suggest Scattered Spider is a conglomerate of bored teenagers armed with too much free time and Red Bull.

Corporate bigwigs at the affected retailers have been in damage control mode, hastily assembling a task force of IT and PR professionals to assure the public that yes, their Clubcard points are safe, and no, their shopping habits will not be revealed on some dark web forum. In the meantime, customers have been encouraged to keep calm and carry on, preferably through the self-checkout lane where the risk of human error is replaced with the cold, unblinking eye of a security camera.