In a delightful twist of cybercrime innovation, Qilin ransomware has introduced its latest service: the ‘Call Lawyer’ feature. Who would have thought that the only thing missing from a criminal ransomware toolkit was a good, old-fashioned legal consultation? Apparently, even hackers realize that getting sued for stealing money might still be a problem, even if you’re already stealing it.

Qilin’s masterminds, ever the pioneers, saw an opening in the market: the need for victims to understand just how doomed they are. ‘Why threaten with technical jargon,’ a spokesperson reportedly said, ‘when you can call in the big guns with coattails, briefcases, and an intimate understanding of legal loopholes?’ That’s right, your next ransomware demand might just come with a side of tort law.

This evolution illuminates the modern cybercriminal’s ethos: why just be bad guys when you can also be slick, corporate bad guys? The idea is to provide a comprehensive end-to-end experience, from panic to payment to post-ransom regret. In today’s gig economy, even criminals can’t resist adding that touch of professionalism to their business dealings. The bar associations must be having a fit.