In a shocking confession that surprised absolutely no one, a group of hackers recently revealed that they have been leveraging credentials as unique identifiers, not because it’s innovative, but because, and I quote, ‘We like our jobs to be as simple as stealing candy from a baby, ideally without the crying.’

The hackers, who reportedly spend their evenings huddled around dimly-lit screens in what we can only assume are their parents’ basements, have mastered the art of assuming identities with such panache that they now proudly claim, ‘83% of the time, we’re actually just too lazy to come up with original attack strategies.’

Cybersecurity experts worldwide sighed deeply upon hearing the news, noting that their recommendations to not write passwords on sticky notes and add ‘123’ to the end of them continue to be ignored. ‘We love a challenge,’ remarked one hacker, ‘but not enough to actually work for it.’