In a stunning move, GIFTEDCROOK, the malware known for its propensity to dig through browser history like a nosy sibling, has evolved into an intelligence-gathering tool that can now exfiltrate data faster than a teenager can delete browser history. Experts say this is the digital equivalent of going from being a petty pickpocket to a full-fledged international spy, minus the suave looks and British accent.

This latest update means GIFTEDCROOK has gone from raiding cookie jars to absconding with the whole pantry of user data. The malware’s developers have also included new features such as stealing shopping wishlists, favorite cat videos, and perhaps even your grandmother’s cherished cake recipe. Its creators have reportedly expressed hopes of soon being able to steal people’s sense of privacy entirely.

In response to this alarming development, security companies worldwide are devising countermeasures that might include giving users a teddy bear for emotional support, or perhaps just throwing their computers out the window and taking up a less risky hobby, like tightrope walking or fire swallowing.