In a turn of events nobody saw coming — except everyone absolutely did — the FBI has announced that Scattered Spider, the cybercriminal gang with a name so generic it should have been an early 2000s indie band, is now targeting airlines. Yes, this is the plot twist nobody wanted, like discovering your airplane peanuts are actually just recycled packing peanuts.

These digital arachnids have spun a web of social engineering tactics so thick, it’s practically a new airport lounge. They’re impersonating everyone from airline CEOs to your childhood pen-pal, hoping to collect passwords and frequent flyer miles. Insiders report that next on their list is hacking time zones so all flights can finally arrive on time, which would be the first miracle since the advent of Wi-Fi.

In response, the FBI is working ’round the clock — which is code for ‘we have no weekends’ — with aviation partners to combat these eight-legged tricksters. They have kindly asked passengers to remain calm and remember that the safest way to travel now is to close every social media account and wrap your phone in tinfoil like a questionable leftover.