In a stunning revelation that has set keyboards on fire across the nation, the Department of Homeland Security claims that the greatest cyber threat currently comes from groups who couldn’t quite hack their way out of a wet paper bag labeled 2005. These pro-Iranian cyber enthusiasts, sharpening their skills since the dial-up era, are apparently poised to launch digital attacks that will force Americans to do the unthinkable—update their antivirus software.

Experts predict an influx of cyber chaos, sparking fears that your grandmother might receive another Facebook friend request from that mysterious ‘Handsome Prince A.I.’ again. But worry not, because the alternative is your uncle’s twice-forwarded email about an energetic Nigerian prince offering all-expenses-paid vacations, which, as DHS states, remains a far more credible threat.

While tensions mount, the Department suggests that the most effective defense is not a code red cybersecurity alert, but a quick pamphlet titled ‘Have You Tried Turning It Off and On Again?’ As the nation braces for the possibility of JavaScript pop-ups and poorly written ‘Gotcha’ scripts, rest easy knowing that DHS is preparing the country for an onslaught of cyber faux pas unheard of outside IT helpdesk nightmares.