In a groundbreaking move to finally bridge the linguistic chasm between cybersecurity experts and corporate overlords, CISOs have launched a new modern language course: ‘Speaking ROI: Translating Cybersecurity Success into Boardroom Empathy.’ This semester-length adventure promises to transform mundane vulnerability reports into thrilling business novels laced with danger, intrigue, and words like ‘dividends.’

Security teams are ditching their old PowerPoint charts filled with ominous red and yellow blobs that once screamed ‘DANGER!’ to tech enthusiasts, now replacing them with colorful infographics gently whispering ‘profit margins’ and ‘market growth opportunities’ to a glimmering spectrum of executive eyes. The course curriculum includes practical exercises like converting data breaches into relatable narratives about saving the annual holiday party fund from unspeakable loss.

Despite initial skepticism, CEOs are reportedly thrilled—primarily because they can now reply to security briefings with enthusiastic nods and cleverly rehearse phrases like ‘synergy’ and ‘shareholder value.’ Meanwhile, CISOs are enjoying their newfound confidence to join water cooler chats without resorting to binary jokes or cryptographic humor. Even the CFO, once staunchly on the brink of tears over budget approval meetings, confessed that the new reports read like a thrilling page-turner. Who knew cybersecurity could be so…financially titillating?