In a thrilling twist that no one in the cybersecurity world saw coming, Chief Information Security Officers (CISOs) have reportedly found out that their front-line defense against cyber threats, so-called Tier 1 analysts, are often more familiar with ice cream scoops than cyber-scoops. Oh, the sweet irony! These newly discovered gatekeepers are expected to thwart cunning criminal masterminds with the same experience level as your local fast-food cashier.

Following groundbreaking revelations, CISOs have been spotted at self-help seminars, desperately attempting to grasp how to convert bright-eyed novices into security vigilantes overnight. Several have already scheduled ‘How to Google Cybersecurity Questions Without Looking Stupid’ webinars as an emergency measure. Meanwhile, the analysts, who are temporarily distracted from decoding the mysteries of cybersecurity jargon, have launched a public campaign to demand more recognition and perhaps a clue or two.

In the midst of this chaos, there’s a growing concern that by the time Tier 1 analysts finally decipher their ridiculously complicated job descriptions, they might get promoted to—wait for it—Tier 2! Until then, our Tier 1 heroes continue to wage the cyber-battles armed with caffeine, self-doubt, and a colorful collection of sticky notes. Because really, what’s a better deterrent to cybercriminals than the terrifying power of uncertainty?