In a stunning revelation, Apple pat themselves on the back this week for heroically stopping over $9 billion in fraudulent transactions over the past five years. That’s right, folks. The tech giant has gone full-on superhero mode by confronting the alarming escalation of digital threats on its App Store. Someone ought to give them a medal. Or at least a participation trophy.

Amidst the fanfare of inflated figures, Apple disclosed that in 2024 alone, they thwarted more than $2 billion worth of deceitful machinations. But let’s not get it twisted—hackers worldwide are still sleeping soundly, likely because they’re too busy finding loopholes faster than Apple’s copywriters can churn out buzzwords like ‘deceptive apps’ and ‘fraudulent payment schemes.’

While Apple is busy blowing its own horn, one must wonder if they’ve noticed the irony of a multi-trillion-dollar company claiming moral victory over nine billion would-be fraudulent dollars. Perhaps this is merely one step in Apple’s master plan to distract us from whatever half-baked spy-thriller Tim Cook is cooking up next.