Hackers are nocturnal creatures, much like your average raccoon or inept vampire. This is why your security team must embrace the vampire lifestyle and never sleep. After all, defending against cyber threats is a 24/7 business, and who needs daylight when Skype calls come with their own illuminating blue glow?

The key to success is minimal personnel and maximum stress. It’s well-known that the best decisions are made when your staff is sleep-deprived and hallucinating imaginary security breaches. Besides, why pay five people when one exhausted human and a discarded pizza box can do the job?

Take lessons from retail giants like Marks & Spencer, who delight in their perfectly timed security events over holidays. Nothing says ‘Happy Easter’ quite like shutting down online operations when customers are in their post-brunch shopping haze. Who needs eggs when you can have a cyber scramble?